Jan.17/99
Walked over with Oreo to see dad after lunch. He was in bed, lying there with his eyes wide open, not a good sign. I found his nursing aide who told me dad was sleepy so he put him in bed. I asked for help in getting dad up, as it was pretty evident he was not going to sleep. Dad nodded yes to going outside; I then began the ordeal of getting him ready for outdoors...it takes forever to get all the clothes on!

We sat out on the front patio in the sun and watched Oreo frolick in the 3 or 4 feet of snow. Dad said he wanted to go for a walk, but I told him that wasn't possible...too much snow. We were only out for maybe 15 minutes when he nodded yes to the question 'are you cold?' so back inside we went. I undressed him, cleaned him up and gave him a yogurt. I told him all about the incredible snow storms we have had and on and on...but didn't seem to make much headway so I turned on the TV and just sat with him for a while. I finally had to leave to walk Oreo and when I said goodbye he didn't look happy...some things never change.

Jan.20/99
Today is my birthday and as I looked at the long list of monthly entries for On My Mind, I realized how many years I have been involved in looking after my dad in some fashion or other. My mum died in 1986..so 13 years of trying to do the best for my father, of ups and downs, anger, pain, tremendous sadness and often such incomprehension. Yes, there have been some happy times with him, but other emotions too often crowd out the happiness.

At the moment I feel a distance from dad; I'm not sure why, maybe because it's the same now day after day, lack of recognition on his part, the same inability on my part to connect with him, except for the odd second or two.

Jan.27/99
Today was the yearly family meeting for dad at the nursing home. I cannot believe he has been there for two years...At the meeting were his physician, physio, recreation and the head floor nurse. We reviewed his condition; he is really doing as well can be expected. He is on almost no medication...only aspirin, eye drops, a laxative and skin cream, amazing for a ninety year old these days. I reiterated that I wanted dad to go on outings etc. even though he sleeps a lot. I asked if his body was closing down and of course the answer is yes. If he avoids another stroke the main problem will be feeding him, as he becomes sleepier. The question of a feeding tube arose and our decision is to keep dad comfortable but not to prolong his life with tubes.

I got very good reports on his new companion Wahid, a friend of his former companion Miajan. Wahid gives dad massages and now when dad sees Wahid coming, he pulls up his pant leg! So I am relieved that this is working out. Wahid has no experience working with frail seniors, but he is quiet and gentle, two extremely important characteristics for caregivers.

Jan.29/99
When I arrived at the home, several people told me dad had been awake all day, quite aware. So I was hoping I might find him the same but too late...there was no recognition or reaction to my presence. I gave him a yogurt and some cookies, sat with him and left.