April 4/97
I am so busy these days I sometimes feel sick...and don't feel great about how little I get to see dad. So today I put all aside and went over after lunch to take him outside. I had talked with Yvonne, the floor supervisor earlier...dad's feet are getting so swollen by the end of the day that even his slippers are irritating the skin on his heels. So they have him in big foam slippers to give his feet a break. I ordered new slippers, new running shoes for the summer and new socks with no elastic. They also said his wheelchair no longer meets his needs; his feet hang down all day which increases the swelling in the feet. They have him in a loaner chair which has leg extentions built in; when the physio returns on Monday I'll speak to her about getting dad the kind of chair he needs. The floor doctor also called; but I had already discussed the feet issue with Yvonne. When I asked him about dad's pneumomia and his cough, the doctor replied that he hadn't heard dad cough. I said to myself...well, why didn't you get him to cough??? Of all the staff around my father, I think his doctor is the most ineffective. Worrisome.

I bundled him up and out we went; it was a nice day although a bit breezy. We walked up to the village; our favourite coffee place burned down last winter and the alternative is so small...but I managed to squeeze him in for coffee and a cookie. It is so hard for him to swallow...he chokes on almost anything so I must be very vigilant when giving him anything. Then we went for more walking...every now and then he asked to just stop and we did...he would try and talk but mostly couldn't get out what he wanted to say. I think for me this is about the hardest thing to see...he tries so hard to express himself but cannot. It breaks my heart but all I can do is try and guess what he is saying...when I can't I change the subject to move him on from his frustration. We returned in time for dinner...I left him in good shape.

Apr. 8/97
Went over to the home today to have a conflab about dad's wheelchair. Since his feet are swollen we are trying to figure out a way to keep his feet up. They have given him a new wheelchair; the physio Cathy says his at 16" wide is too small...he needs an 18" wheelchair (the chair was made for him!) We are going to try support socks up to the knee to see if they help the swollen feet and see if dad can tolerate them.

Apr. 14/97
Lovely day, walked over between meetings to see dad and introduce him to his new companion, Ron. When I got there I found him looking unwell...he was distressed about something but couldn't articulate it. So I just held his hands and reassured him. I brought some of his favourite cookies, so that helped. I finally met the new floor recreation therapist, Kim, who is an absolute doll. Dad likes her very much and she seems to have become attached to him. It makes it so much easier for me when I know there are people around him who care about him and the other residents...I know dad feels it and the time they take to talk with him is critical to his well-being.

I still cannot get over, however, how a human being can change so much. I look at my dad today and then picture him throughout my life; it is so incredible to me that he is what he is now....may be it's too early in the morning for such musings...woke up at 4:45 am and finally got up about 5:30. What else does one do...I head for the computer, Char (the cat) heads for the pond and the fishes...

Apr. 16/97
Dad is refusing to allow anyone to put on the support stockings...so I'll go over and give it a try. I don't know why he gets so agitated about this...probably because he cannot undertsand what we are trying to do.

It seems that massage therapy will be no more. The last time that Ann went over, Dad wouldn't let her near him. I must admit dad and I talked about this before..he wasn't sure it did any good and he didn't seem that keen on it. But I kept persisting because I thought it would relax him and occupy a little time. He warned me!

Apr. 21/97
Walked over to take dad out for a walk; when I approached, he looked at me as if he didn't know me, so I said "it's Karen"...thinking, Oh God, it's started, he doesn't know me anymore...when he pipes up with "well, I'm astonished to see you"...his way of saying I haven't been around enough, which is true.

Had a lovely walk and a coffee but I have to get him another wheelchair. The physio at the home has determined his chair is too small and I don't disagree; but what they have in until we can see about a subsidy is nuts. I can hardly navigate it, his feet fall off the step things...it scrapes the ground when I go over a curb....driving me nuts!

Dad said today he is buying a car in the spring. I said 'oh'..and didn't comment further. He then said it would be his last car and asked how much a Ford was. So I rattled off some prices, thinking they would astound him but he didn't say anything. I mentioned that two car companies in Canada are now headed up by women...I don't think he knew what to say about that.

We bought the staff a plant and I left him eating matzoh...it's Passover so no leavened bread (the home is kosher). He didn't look too thrilled; apparently this morning at breakfast he asked Nancy what the h....he was eating! (no toast allowed). I never thought he'd end up kosher....please no-one be offended by these commnets, but if you knew my dad you'd be chuckling like I am.

Apr. 29/97
Today was not a good day. When I got over to see dad about 11:00 AM, he was sitting in the hall, dozing. His teeth were sitting on his tray table. I spoke with the nurse before waking him; apparently he won't keep his teeth in. As soon as he saw me, he got agitated. I figured out that the bottom denture was irritating his gum. Once again the denture glue has disappeared so I can't get the top plate to stay in. I cut his hair and managed to get the support stockings on him, which no-one else could. But then all hell broke loose. He asked...demanded...to know when he was leaving this place. He said he wasn't getting enough care...then looked and pointed at me and said...from you! He said he hurt all over. He was furious and then he started to cry and he cried his heart out. He said he was so lonely...nothing I could say about his visits with Norman or Don or Kim or Nancy would appease him. I think it boiled down to the fact that I have not been there enough, which is true. I am so busy trying to build Caregiver Network that I'm not fulfilling my own caregiving responsibilities, at least according to my father. I told him I would try and do better, which I will. I left him briefly to run to the store to get the denture glue, some cookies and some fishing line to put through the loop in his hearing aid, which had just been fixed again.

When I got back, he had stopped crying; I put his top teeth in and went to put a loop on his hearing aid, only to find it had broken again...I can't win these days. So I immediately called the audiologist just after the denturist to try and get all this stuff fixed asap.

Dad was supposed to be going shopping this afternoon...every second Monday they go to a mall; so I went to get his lunch and got him pretty well finished. The aid and I got him changed and dressed to go and I left him downstairs, happy to be going out.

It's been months since an emotional session like this. I think he just has to let all his frustration and lack of control escape every once in a while and I'm the logical person on whom to vent. I have to remember this and try to keep my equilibrium.

I called back later after they had returned from the mall; apparently dad had a great time...he loves Fairview...he told Nancy he doesn't like the 'cheap malls'. I'm going to arrange for him to go to the mall every week.