April 1/99
Today is Maundy Thursday and the seniors' church service at Timothy Eaton. Since I had a meeting in the late morning, I arranged to meet the group from the home at the church at about 1:30 pm. They were all sitting at the front in a row in their wheelchairs; I moved dad so I could sit beside him. I quietly explained we were in church...that it was Easter and we were going to take communion. The expression of joy on his face - for just a fleeting moment - told me he knew where he was. However, he then slid back to wherever it is that he goes in his mind and I pretty much lost him for the rest of the service. i don't know if he understood he took communion. He did watch me sing the hymns...I was determined not to cry at this service...and spent the rest of the time fidgeting and pulling up his pant leg.

After the service was the usual lovely tea party; I greeted all my friends I have made over the past 3 years coming to these services and then proceeded to fill dad up with cookies and ice cream; no objection from him!

I had to leave for another meeting, so I said goodbye at 3:30; I don't know if it registered or not.

April 11/99
It snowed like crazy today...poor little flowers who are just poking their heads up. A terrible visit with dad tonight. I arrived just before supper to find him in his wheelchair in the doorway of his room, leaning so far over to the right that I thought he was trying to reach for something. Not so...he seemed to be stuck in this terrible position. I just flipped out, yelled for help to straighten him up, and things went downhill from there. Has he had another stroke?

I tried to feed him his dinner but his head was on such an angle that it was almost impossible. I got soup and some potatoes into him before he dozed off. I waited for a while but he didn't wake up so I took his tray back and got another dish of bananas just in case.

I sat and watched him and the tears came...I felt so helpless, so angry, that I could not even straighten him up. I couldn't help myself, even though I know it's pointless to cry. I'm crying now as I write. I feel so drained.

I asked for help to put him in bed, as I could no longer bear to watch him in his bent-over position. We got him settled and changed; as we were doing this, I told him why we were putting him in bed so early and that I would stay with him. For a brief moment he had a look on his face that said 'Oh thank you my darling daughter" and the tears started again. I cranked his bed into a sitting position and gave him his banana; he looked so normal, more so than I can remember in a long time..his eyes seemed focussed..but nothing came out of his mouth. He just watched me. It was almost more than I could bear. He dozed, then woke and I gave him some thickened juice. He dozed again and I decided to leave since Oreo was getting quite restless and it didn't appear that he would wake again soon.

On the way out near reception a woman with a walker stopped me and asked the way to the washroom. I guided her there and then she started talking to me about how lonely and frightened she was...was there anyone who knew her family...she was afraid that some man would come into her bed...poor old soul. I tried to reassure her, told her my father lived there and that he was safe and she would be too. I got some help for her, as Oreo at this point was starting to bark and I had to get her outside. (p) I arrived home exhausted and upset. I had a bath but woke up in the night with a migraine...no surprise I guess.

April 12/99
I called the home early this morning so check on dad; he was tired but seemed OK. The floor nurse called several hours later and sad that dad seemed as usual. He is congested but this is not abnormal. I appreciated her call. His companion called later and said he thought dad could go outside and I agreed. Meanwhile I'm up at our family home, having everything moved out of a place my father loved.

April 15/99
I feel sick. Our family home is no longer ours. I went up last night to read the meters and take a last walk around. I never thought I would see the day when the house would be completely empty but it has been done. Sad but the time had come. I held onto the house for my father as long as I could, renting and not selling. But it now needs to be occupied full time and needs upgrading, and dad no longer thinks about things like a house.

I went over to see him...to be with him on this day I guess and maybe inside myself to ask for his forgiveness. I had forgotten that he and Wahid were going on an outing to the mall. So it was a short visit; I reminded him that his 91st birthday is coming up on May 5 and that I would have a party. I remarked that, quite frankly, I didn't know how I was going to get 91 candles on one cake and how he would blow them out. Believe it or not I got a grin!

April 18/99
A beautiful morning so decided I would take dad out before lunch. He was a bit dozy but perked up a little once we were outside. I am continually amazed at how radically his face can change in a short time. One moment he looks completely 'out of it', and the next his eyes seem focussed and he looks quite normal. We walked over to the village; I picked up some things for him...cookies and tooth glue and got back just in time for lunch. He ate well; I then spent quite a long time cutting his hair, a ritual he still enjoys. I put him to sleep with my magic scissors

April 22/99
Today I was to leave for Ottawa to attend the annual Alzheimer Society conference, so I went to visit dad before lunch. He was quiet and withdrawn, I don't think he knew me. I stayed over lunch but had to leave..I hadn't packed and my plane was leaving at 4:00 pm.

I am desperate to learn all I can about dementia so I better understand what dad is going through and how to communicate more effectively with him.I know it may seem weird but that's how I feel. What a dismal obsession! In fact, that's how I feel about Caregiver Network in general (not dismal). When I am able to come up with a piece of information a caregiver needs, I consider it a victory... time well spent as I do spend hours reading, attending seminars, writing, thinking. All for a wonderful cause...

April 28/99
A beautiful, breezy day...walked over to see dad this morning as I also wanted to talk to his doc who makes rounds on 5th floor every Wednesday. I still question whether we need to do more about pain and depression management. Dad's doc and I had a good chat...as good as one can get these days...he told me about a new anti-depressant for seniors just on the market. However, it still causes the same side effect we cannot afford to have...sleepiness. He also told me that we could put dad on regular doses of Tylenol for his arthritis but the same thing would occur...increased sleepiness and we agreed the tradeoff wasn't worth it. I don't think dad is in pain except when we move him incorrectly; as far as depression goes, he has every right to be depressed, but he cannot communicate if he is depressed or not to me. So no more meds for him; I think I am finally satisfied that his regimen is correct.

I had an eye infection before going to Ottawa. As a result I have learned more about dry eye and it's effect on seniors. Dad's eyes are often sticky and crusted, red and angry looking; so in addition to the eye bathing I have requested eye lubricant twice a day. The doc said no problem...probably a good idea. I had to ask myself...why didn't they do it before now? Do I have to learn everything or experience it myself? I guess so.

When I arrived this morning dad was very sleepy. His doc felt he had suffered another stroke last week and I agreed. I asked dad if he wanted to go outside. I got a slight 'yes' nod and so off we went. Dad's companion met us on the way out and we met up with a group of seniors for coffee.