May 4/97
Since tomorrow is dad's 89 th birthday, I arranged a party for him today, a family lunch at my place. It didn't start off well and ended even worse. Debbie called from London in the morning to say she had the flu and wouldn't make it. Then the home called to say the wheelchair van had arrived and my other sister Jenny, who was supposed to get him ready, had not yet arrived. So he got to my place without his foot rests on the wheelchair and in a light jacket with no hat or gloves. I just shook my head.

Lunch proceeded along well; he enjoyed the soft stuff I had bought. Since none of the other kids had sent a birthday card, I had bought 5 and signed for each of them...don't know how much cards mean to him. Some friends dropped by but obviously stayed too long, as dad started to ask when they were going to leave. I must admit that I can understand how frustrating it must be for him, not really being able to understand or participate in the conversation, although I try very hard to get everyone to speak loudly and to repeat things for him.

When they left, I got into the car and drove to the home to pick up what dad needed, as I had planned to wheel him home. Meanwhile dad's sister and brother arrived, but by then he was tired and they didn't stay long. So we started to get him ready to go back. He asked me where he was going; I told him back to the home. He said he didn't want to go back ever; I explained we had no choice...house is rented, he needs the care etc. etc. So he said:"You are going to take me back against my will" and I replied yes. He got absolutely furious...wouldn't cooperate in putting his coat on. Ian (brother-in-law) walked back with me and dad didn't say a word the whole way. When we got there we out him to bed as he was exhausted and left. It seems that every birthday party I plan holds some disaster.

May 8/97
I walked over to the home for a 9:00 AM meeting with the wheelchair supply company and the physio, Cathy. Dad's wheelchair is too small; so we decided to put a new crossbar on the bottom and a new back, both of which will provide an extra 2". He'll also get a new cushion and bigger footrests, since his feet are always sliding off the footrests.

He was somewhat agitated so I suggested a walk; he was going on about the 5 children and how long did I know about the situation and that he wanted them all kicked out immediately. I just listened and tried to make appropriate responses, since I couldn't get any sense out of him. We started out on the walk and he kept on about this...finally I asked him if he wanted to go back and he said yes, quite unusual. But it was a lovely day for a change, so I suggested we go to the nearby grocery store and he agreed. So in we went and cruised the aisles; he asked for some apples and cheese and I got him more cookies. We had a coffee and then returned, as it was almost time for his lunch. I went back to work.

May 13/97
Walked over to see dad; beautiful day. My sister Lanci had sent a birthday card...arrived a week late...but took it over to show dad and he started to cry his heart out. When I asked him why, was it about Lanci, he nodded yes and he said "I love her so much". So I said let's call Lanci and we did; she was home fortunately and he felt better. We went out for a brief walk and I told him I was going away for a holiday. He took the news well; just kept repeating the days I 'd be away.

I gave him lunch and then got him on the wheelchair van; today is shopping day at the mall and he loves to go.

I am desperate to get away; overwhelmed by all the commitments in my life and feel constantly tired. Even though I don't see dad as often as I should, his welfare is on my mind and I am constantly making calls to arrange people and things, get stuff fixed...just because a parent is in a home it doesn't mean the caregiving stops. It changes direction a bit.

The replacement wheelchair he was given while his is being overhauled is completely unsuitable. His knees are up around his chin, there is not seat belt and he cannot have the tray table in place if his feet are on the foot pads. And I thought they knew what they were doing. It never ends...!!

May 25/97
I am back from my holiday..care for the caregiver; trying to practice what I preach. Had a good time skiing out west and seeing friends; feel better and more able to tackle the future.

Went to see dad; according to messages from his two companions, he was 'good as gold' while I was away. My sister told me not to be surprised at this; he is like a child now and reacts accordingly when a 'parent' is around and acts differently when there is no 'parent' in evidence. Sad.

I fed him his dinner; he seemed unable to lift his head very high and choked badly on a soft piece of bread. After watching him for a while I feel that he has declined, maybe had another small stroke. His eating is poorer..virtually no hand coordination... and he cannot sit as well in his wheelchair. We went out for a walk; he was very quiet...returned to the home and went into the back garden. One of the rec therapists was just finishing the spring planting, along with a few of the residents. I was delighted to see this. Once again, rec really comes through in this home.

I could not find dad's hearing aid...again. Will call the floor supervisor tomorrow to see if they have it. Dad also complained about his wheelchair when I asked him about it, so will call them as well.

Seeing dad tonight I have finally convinced myself he cannot return home; I think I have felt guilty all this time but it took three of us tonight to change him and home just is not an option. He needs to be where he is and I need to know that he is being properly cared for and supervised.

May 29/97
Walked over between meetings; to me dad continues to do poorly; his speech is still very difficult and he is so vague...don't know how else to describe it. I found him with his shirt and undershirt off, so dressed him, fed him then had a short time outside. Across the road from the home is a huge apartment building with a fountain and small waterfall. I didn't think it was wheelchair accessible but we poked around and sure enough I found the path. Dad seemed to enjoy watching the water, it was so peaceful. I asked him if he remembered taking us as children to Niagara Falls; as always I try to get him to use his long term memory because when he is successful I know he feels better about himself.

He said he remembered the trip...I went on about the yellow slickers and boots we wore...fun for me as well, I must admit!

Tomorrow is the outing to the baseball game at the Dome. Nancy told me they were short of volunteers and dad could not go unless a companion could be with him. I had three meetings scheduled, and dad's usual companions were not available. So after some frantic phoning around I located someone. A nice chap named Chris; he works with disabled people so he knew what to ask...I filled him in on clothing requirements etc.

Chris called me tonight; apparently the day went well; dad seemed to enjoy the game. He kept on asking who was winning..Chris would tell him...and then he'd ask again...he ate and drank well and lasted the whole trip. I was pleased!