May 2/98
May 5 is dad's 90th birthday so we had the party today so my sisters could come. I called my aunt last week to invite her and my uncle (dad's younger brother) and she was quite surprized that I would go to the trouble of having a party since dad didn't recognize his brother the last time he visited.

However, my plan was set and I felt dad would benefit. Everyone arrived about 12:20 including dad's companion and we had a good time. Lots of laughter...dad was quiet but seemed aware. I read each card to him as we opened his gifts and he laughed at the right places. He enjoyed the cake and basically the attention. However, he tired around 3:00 so all of us except my aunt/uncle pushed dad back to the home and once again there was the battle over his returning. As we pushed him along the sidewalk, he grabbed at anything possible to slow the process down. I'm not sure why anymore...we have agreed that he is calmer, less agitated since he changed floors and rooms but I guess he'll fight to the end.

May 7/98
Another photo shoot today for dad and I; a national seniors' magazine is running an article on Caregiver Network and they wanted a picture. I met the photographer at the home and while they set up, I explained to dad...or tried to...what was going on. He was very patient; they took six rolls of film but towards the end of the session, he began to tire and the requests to lift his chin or smile could not be met! However, Paul said he got some good shots..I hope so. I find dad noticibly less aware; sometimes when I say his name, I get absolutely no response. According to his companion, when he asked dad an hour after the shoot how it went, dad had no memory of the shoot or me being there.

May 18/98
Walked over to see dad after dinner; it was warm so I asked him if he wanted to go for a walk, which he did...he always does! I pushed him over to the village and am getting more comfortable with his new wheelchair. Although it is much better for dad...better back support, smoother ride, more room etc. I quite frankly find it more difficult to maneuver because it is so much bigger. I lose control of it too easily. In fact, at one point I almost dumped ad; I was trying to go up onto the sidewalk and the front wheels got stuck. I gave it a big push and dad went forward too fast; if it hadn't been for the traytable and seat belt, he may have ended up on the ground. I apologized to him but he was laughing so I did also but I'm very wary now. We had a frozen yogurt then walked the streets. On the way back I was going to make one more detour when he suddenly got agitated; all he could do was mutter unintelligibly so I couldn't figure out what the problem was. Finally he got the words 'too much' out; I assumed he had had enough walking so we went back and up to his room. When I finally said good-bye he wasn't happy and looking back over my shoulder at him I still feel like hell but I have to leave.

May 24/98
On my way out of town to an Alzheimer conference I stopped in to see dad just as he was finishing his dinner. Miajan was there. I sat in front of dad and waited for him to see me but he didn't locate me. So I spoke to him and after a few moments he smiled; it really makes me wonder how much vision he has for things near...he seems to do better with distance vision. It's impossible to tell, however, because when I ask him what he can see or not see, I don't get an answer.

He took my hand from time to time and smiled but didn't say much. I find it harder and harder to figure out what is going on in his head, which is why I am glad to be at the University of Waterloo conference. For two days I have been immersed in the world of dementia and although I am gaining a much better understanding of the disease, I still question how to apply this knowledge to my own situation since my dad is impaired in so many ways.

But I am going to work on ways to give him more control and try to keep him busier. I plan to sit down with Miajan and create some strategies. I think the real problem is that dad doesn't fit a real disease category; he has vascular dementia and maybe some AD but I can still sense enough awareness in him that makes it really tough to know how to interact with him.

May 27/98
I finally got to talk with dad's new doctor today; I had heard he was a real sweetie and he certainly seemed so. I told him about my concern over dad's chest congestion and his allergies. He told me he had reviewed dad's meds, taken him off Arthrotec (for arthritis) as it does not help in chronic siuations and he had had the staff check to see if the change had made a difference in dad's pain level. The answer was no. He has recommended chest physio for dad so he can clear his chest better. He remarked on how much calmer dad is; his reports from the 6th floor had him much more aggressive. Yes, he was, because he was surrounded by screaming people and had no privacy. It's amazing what an improved environment can do.

Dropped over after dinner; took dad downstairs for a while but he wanted to go back up. I did my best to talk with him but it is so difficult; he feel asleep. I think I'll make my visits shorter but try to go more often.

My heart aches.