May 5/99
Today was dad's 91st birthday. I walked over this morning to wish him a happy birthday. He was not in a good mood; when his companion changed him, dad swung out at him and caught him on the neck. He also grabbed out at me as I sat next to him. People came in and out of his room to wish him well. They made an announcement on the PA when I was there. My brother called early today to confirm dad's address; sending a plant. I plan to have a party next Saturday for him, a lunch at my place. I'll let my sisters know; if they show great, if not, I tried.

I have seen dad a lot in the past week, almost every day. His condition varies from day to day; I honestly don't know if he ever recognizes me as his daughter. I think perhaps he knows my face as someone familiar and that's why he lets me put his teeth in, cut his hair.

Speaking of teeth...poor dad...he stopped eating one night last week; the staff discovered a sore caused by his upper denture. So the dentures were immediately removed. They called me and we both ended up calling the denturist who was supposed to come on Tuesday, then could not so would come Wednesday but ended up coming Tuesday when dad was out for a walk...he finally came on Thursday. The denturist would not do anything until dad's gums have settled down, so no teeth for the moment.

May 12/99
I had a family council meeting at the nursing home so went over early to visit dad. I kissed him and sat down next to him; he grabbed my hand and just started yanking it in all directions, as he were angry. I tried to communicate with him but got nowhere. he wouldn't stop until I told him it was hurting me and he stopped immediately. Maybe his way of saying he missed me. No teeth yet; the denturist was supposed to come Monday or Tuesday; when I called today I was told he would come by tomorrow.

On my way off the floor on the way to my meeting the nurse called after me; she told me dad had lost weight...10 lbs!!...in the past month. I knew he was thin but the last time I checked, he was maintaining his weight. They will give him double portions; I asked for a supplement. Poor dad...

An aside here; in spite of how many complaints are heard from families about long term care, I am continually astounded at the apathetic interest in the family council. The social worker sent out 280 surveys to try and find out what families wanted etc. Guess how many replied: 12. Pretty pathetic.

The denturist called me a little while ago. He said dad's gums were better but that his upper plate had to be replaced...is it because he has lost so much weight? He said he had tried to take an impression of dad's jaw but dad could not understand that he had to keep his mouth closed to enable the impression to set. I requested he come again next week when I am there; we'll try one more time.

May 15/99
Today was dad's birthday party at my place. It was a nice time, with my Toronto sister and her husband and dad's companion. Dad seemed unaware of where he was or who we were but ate well, including his birthday cake. I covered it in candles and bless his heart, he tried to blow them out. We have to keep track of everything dad eats for the next 2 weeks to try and determine the cause of his weight loss. He has always eaten well; I fear it's the progression of his dementia.

May 28/99
Today was the facility birthday party for all those residents born in May; unfortunately I could not attend with dad because I was giving a talk elsewhere. However I managed to pop over for 20 minutes and wouldn't you know...this is the day that dad smiles at me and I think actually recognizes me...I felt badly leaving but I had no choice.

May 30/99
It was very hot today; so I decided to take dad out around 4 pm. But when I arrived he had just woken up and seemed a bit hazy so I told him we would go out after dinner. I had to get help to straighten him up; he was slumped down so badly on his left side that it appeared as if he was going to slip out of the wheelchair. I had no sooner gotten him back in position...or so I thought...than he began to push himself in such a way that he was slumped down again. He looked so uncomfortable but he would not cooperate; at one point he grabbed me by the neck and started shaking me with a weird look on his face. I asked him to stop and he did. I quietly explained that all I wanted was for him to be comfortable and that I was doing my best trying to understand what he wanted. Finally it was dinner time; he ate well, although on an angle. I went back for seconds and gave him 2 desserts. I changed my mind about taking him out; he was simply not focussing and seemed very tired. I went to ask for help putting him to bed and had to wait 30 minutes. Finally got him in, but he would not settle...picking at the sheet and his night gown. So I started to rub his back and he finally drifted off. It's really hard to explain what connection, if any, there exists between dad and I; sometimes I feel he is watching me and trying to tell me something. My imagination is not kind to me during these moments; I imagine the worst...how could you have put me here, abandoned me like this?