June 10/99
I knew tonight's visit would be tough. I felt tired and discouraged, not sure why. I was asked by Maria in recreation to come to the home for 7:00 PM to be a 'client' for a group of shiatsu students coming to practice on the residents. Of course I said yes...anything to relax...so went up to visit with dad before the session.

He was parked in his doorway as usual; I wheeled him into the room and said hello as I usually do...Dad, it's Karen your daughter. Nothing. I continued on speaking quietly. I told him I loved him and that I knew he loved me. Suddenly he looked at me and said slowly but clearly...you bet I do. Of course my heart broke and the tears came. It's so rare that the fog lifts and we actually communicate. It was maybe 10 seconds but in that time he knew I was there, that I loved him - all that is important to me and to him I think.

I went downstairs for my treatment. There I was, lying on a futon on the floor with about 10 residents having a treatment. After about half an hour I began to hear contented snores from all around and had to laugh. It was terrific for the residents. OK for me too...love those recreation people.

June 17/99
Walked Oreo over to see dad; on the way through the lobby a lady reached out to touch Oreo so I stopped. She was so thrilled to pat the dog; she was clutching a doll and kept saying over and over to Oreo..my darling girl, my darling girl..and smiling continually. Amazing what animals can do. I think we all know this intellectually but when you a senior react like this you know that animals really can make a difference.

Dad and Wahid (everyone at the home calls him Wade...kills me!) were at a tea party downstairs so Oreo and I joined them. Had a good chat with everyone. Dad was OK but totally unfocussed. We went outside for a walk but the sky was a threatening gray so we stayed close to home. Ended up sitting out front; Wahid's brother was there. He too works at the home in the kitchen. He's very quiet but very nice. One of the residents, Sarah, who is very demented is absolutely crazy about Kabir; every time she sees him she just perks right up ands smiles. Wondrous.

Wahid's wife is very pregnant, should give birth in about a week. So Kabir will spend a few days with dad while Wahid is home with his wife. I don't mind; Amir is very gentle; I'm sure he and dad will get along just fine.

Wahid gave me copies of some pictures he took at dad's birthday party at my place. One is perfect; I am asking dad to blow out the candles on his cake and you can actually see dad comprehending for a split second what I asked him to do. I'll try and scan it into this entry. I was very pleased to have the photo.

June 20/99
Father's Day. What could I do for dad to please him especially? Take him to church. I called the home last night to ask them to have him ready for pick-up around 10:15. As usual I was running late...trying to squeeze too many things in - like a run. But I did arrive around 10:40; he was ready and I quickly pushed him to church. When I told him we were going, I got a faint smile. The service was lovely as usual; it was infant baptism service and to see those little babies was so heart-warming. No body cried; one baby was very vocal, goo-gooed her way through the whole thing! As usual, dad started to weep quite frequently during the service. I wondered what he is able to comprehend that makes him cry. Of course I started to cry also, but managed to stop very early in the game, thank goodness. He seems so oblivious but then the tears come. But if I can bring him out of the fog, even for brief moments I feel I have done something for him.

I took him back for lunch; he was leaning very heavily onto his left side and no matter what I did I could not straighten him. Gave him a huge lunch, everything on his plate then went back and got more vegetables and two more puddings. He ate it all. I planned to take him to the Father's Day party downstairs but after I had cut his hair he looked miserable so I asked him if he wanted to lie down. He said yes so I got some help and he was dozing immediately.

June 23/99
Walked Oreo over to see dad between meetings and an unexpected trip to the vet. When I arrived I bent down in front of him and as always said slowly and gently åDad, it¼s me, Karen, your daughter.¼ Nothing. A blank look. I guess I always hope for something, anything.

I took him to the village for ice cream; as we were waiting, I once again bent down and looked at him and said, åHi dad, it¼s Karen.¼ A smile spread out on his face as one did on mine and then he started to weep. For maybe 10 seconds he was dad again and I was his daughter. Then the door closed as quickly and unexpectedly as it opened; once again I had lost him.

After I got home I tried and tried to imagine what he was thinking for those few seconds...did he weep because he realized how trapped he was or because he knew that I had not abandonned him? I¼ll never know. For us there are no more words, no more exchanging thoughts, no more tying up loose ends. The chances are gone.

June 27/99
It¼s Sunday afternoon and time to visit dad. I had called earlier and he was in bed, so I waited till about 4:00 pm. After Oreo and I arrived I took him out front for a while, chatted with other residents and their compaanions. Then dinner; whenever I give him a meal I feed him everything I can get my hands on. They gave him a good first portion but he was still opening his mouth so I went back for more mashed potatoes and vegetables. I gave him his fruit and went back for more; I mashed up his banana and mixed it with the fruit, then mashed up another. Gave him his thickened juice and finished up with some applesauce I had in the fridge for him. He was getting sleepy towards the end and I had to keep gently massaging his cheek to remind him to swallow. But I was pleased with the amount I got into him. According to his chart he has gained about 2 pounds; I wonder how long he may have been hungry. When he used to be able to communicate I would always ask him if he had had enough at the end of a meal; he always nodded yes. Now he cannot do that and I fear when the staff feed him he does not get enough food. So I am always urging his companion to make sure he gives dad enough food.

I left about 8:00 pm and the mood was certainly different among the other residents. Many smiles were gone; there was yelling and screaming. One lady who is normally quite friendly yelled at me saying I should go home and take the dog with me. Distressing to say the least. No matter how many times I come here to visit dad I don't think I'll ever get used to it. Thank God we can close the door of his room and find some peace and privacy.

June 29/99
Since I was going to go away for the long weekend, I wanted to see dad before I left. Oreo and I walked over about 7:15 pm and he was aleady in bed. His aid told me he was sleepy and leaning over badly on one side, so she put him to bed. I thanked her; I would have done the same thing.

He was awake, just lying there staring at I don't know what. I said hello and kissed him; no reaction. So I sat quietly by his bed and held his hand and talked to him about the day¼s events, about the other children, about anything I could think of. He would close his eyes, then open them again, fighting sleep. I rubbed his back and put cream on his arms and hands and he finally drifted off. I sat there for a while longer, watching him and thinkng how terrible it must be to be a prisoner in both body and mind. How much longer?