Dec. 1/96
I arrived at around 5:30 pm to take dad down to the cafeteria for dinner; I found him lying quietly on his side in bed, awake and staring at what I don't know. The look of quiet joy on his face when he recognized me made my heart cry. We got him up; I shaved him and cut his hair and off we went. I think I'll stick to sandwiches...I ordered Dad a hamburger and chips and I had egg rolls. He ate quite well, I did not! Back upstairs I put his laundry on and we wheeled the halls. He cannot concentrate on anything, so how we can spend out time together is limited. Lots of hall tours in his wheelchair!

I noticed more of a right sided weakness; he was actually leaning to the right in his wheelchair and he seemed to have no ability whatsoever in his right hand. I asked the nurse to note this in his chart for his doctor whom I have yet to meet.

Dec. 5/96
I asked the staff to have dad ready for 10:00 am so I could take him downstairs to a Christmas sale in the hospital...a little Christmas cheer. I had also arranged for a companion to meet me on the floor. His name is Norman and hopefully he and dad can spend some time together when I can't be there. While I was talking with Norman, however, I noticed how tired dad was...he literally couldn't keep his eyes open and when I asked him if he wanted to go to bed for a nap, he agreed without any argument. The staff moved his room 2 days ago...he keeps trying to get in and out of bed himself and they finally felt they needed to keep a closer eye on him, so he is now opposite the nursing station. Last night he got up in the night and ended up on the floor..the nurse let him sleep on his matress on the floor. Safer certainly, but I wonder how disorienting for him...

The order of things seems to have changed within me. The anger and frustration of so many years have given way; the guilt still niggles but I now see what I mean for my father as he approaches the end of his life. When I am with him, he doesn't want me out of his sight; people tell me he follows my voice with his eyes. I am his last link to life and I think I finally understand that this is a gift to me from him after all we have been through together. It is a burden, a responsibility to be sure, but mostly a wonder, something I am sure I shall understand more and more as time passes and he is no longer a part of my life.

Now if I can only get my body to cooperate; the past 6 weeks have created havoc. I cannot sleep, I have a weird rash on my scalp...I know it's nerves and pray I can pull myself together.

Dec. 6/96
Dropped in to see dad before going to visit Debbie for the weekend. I brought him some clean clothes. He has contracted another urinary infection which accounts for his fatigue...today he was also very weepy. No matter what I said or asked, the tears started to flow; at one point I asked him what was wrong and he answered: "I want to go home". He couldn't express himself any further...I can only speculate what 'home' might mean for him at this point.

Dec. 12/96
Big day today-outing to Timothy Eaton Church for their special seniors' Christmas service. A few days ago I got all Dad's clothes organized and wrote out a list of what he was to wear and pasted it on his very small clothes closet. I booked a wheelcahir taxi as it is impossible for me to transfer him alone now. When I arrived at Sunnybrook he was eating his lunch so we finished that and then had to bundle him up in his down jacket...a real production for someone in a wheelchair. He kept asking me where we were going and finally I think he realized he was going to church. The cab was late and we arrived just as they were starting the first hymn so I parked him at the very front and sat in the pew behind him so I could hold the hymn book and follow the words along with my finger. The first hymn was "Silent Night" and I couldn't believe it...Dad actually sang some of the phrases. I just sat there, holding the book with tears streaming down my face. In the front pew on the other side of the church sat a profoundly blind man who knew the words of all the carols and had a beautiful voice. The service was short but Dad was quite attentive. He remembered the minister with whom he was quite taken in the summer. After the service we were invited to tea where I ensured that the minister said hello to Dad. They even gave him a handmade lap blanket...from one of the ladies in the congregation I imagine. All in all it was a wonderful time for Dad; kinder people one couldn't find. I was so glad I took him, for both of us. The power of music can still get through to him.

Dad was tired when we got back; we got him changed and I met his latest doctor, who will be in attendance until February. I was very impressed with him and he answered a number of questions for me, including the issue of fungus under some of Dad's fingernails. In seniors this is usually aggravated by stress and as long as it isn't bothering dad, the doctor does not want to treat it; apparently it is a situation of the cure being worse than the disease. The doctor, nurse administrator, Dad and I got into a conversation about Dad sleeping on the floor, which he has been doing lately because he insists on trying to get in and out of bed himself. Dad said he didn't like sleeping on the floor; when we said it was necessary, he answered (as my father can): "Balls". I said it wasn't balls; I reviewed his hip fracture of 3 years ago with him and why he has been sleeping on the floor and he seemed to finally accept that it was for his own good. He expressed very clearly that he hated Sunnybrook; I reminded him that this is only temporary...that he is not staying there. He seemed surprized at this and pleased, but as Debbie says to me, he'll never be happy no matter where he is. One can only do one's best....

Dec. 21/96
I decided to hold a family dinner for Dad; Debbie called and said they could come for the 21st as could my other Toronto sister. I did the whole meal..turkey, plum pudding etc... because in spite of everything, Dad still seems to enjoy his food.

I arranged for a wheelchair taxi; I couldn't go to accompany him back to my place because I had my knee scoped a few days ago (unexpectedly). I had left a note earlier in the week indicating what he should wear. I did think about telling them not to forget his coat, hat, gloves but thought; 'they are professionals...they'll take care of it'. Well, they didn't; Dad arrived at my apartment on the coldest day of the year with no coat, hat, gloves. I couldn't believe it. But all in all we had a great time. Dad kept saying what a wonderful surprise it all was ( of course I had told him beforehand). He just had this big smile on his face and we all felt wonderful. I called the other kids and they spoke with Dad on the phone. He seemed delighted with his new pants and shirt (all his pants are approaching his knees from many hard washings at institutions). He had a good dinner and was picked up about 9:15 pm, completely tuckered out but happy... the main thing for me.

Dec.31/96
The hospital called this morning to tell me that a bed has become vacant at one of the homes on my list, not my first choice but certainly the most ideally located. At first I couldn't believe it...Dad's been in hospital since Oct. 20 and I thought it might be months more until he was placed. I walked over to the home this afternoon to see where he would be and meet the floor supervisor. His double room is on the 6th floor, heaviest care floor; the room is small but bright. I'll ask him what he would like of his own but I have a feeling he is beyond caring whether he has pictures or furniture; these things just don't seem important as he cannot seem to focus.