It's Never Too Early — or too Late — to Start The Conversation: Talking to Your Parents About Their Changing Needs

Key Words
love, worry

A boomer exercise for growing old

1. Make a list of the 10 most important activities in your life
2. Imagine you are 65 and eliminate 3
3. Imagine you are 75; eliminate 3 more
4. Imagine you are 85; eliminate 3 more
5. Imagine your reaction

There are some things in life we don't really want to think about; consequently we don't plan for them. One of those "things" is aging parents and their changing needs.

Whether we want to face it or not, eldercare is already a reality for the first wave of Canada's 10 million baby boomers; too many of us, however, are utterly unprepared to assume the role of caregiver for aging parents.

Things You Should Know

• 40% of people over 30 in Canada provide care now for one or more elder members of their family
• Adult children often spend more years providing care for a parent — 18 — years than raising a child — 17 years
• These individuals — mainly women — are also employees who spend 8+ hours per week on the phone dealing with eldercare issues; caregiving can easily require more than 25 hours per week (US Study)

Somebody — either the adult child or parent — has to start the conversation about a parent's plans for the future. Otherwise a crisis will do it for you.

When you are in crisis, you are under tremendous stress to make decisions too quickly, with too little information.

Every family will face the situation differently; there is no "right" way. The only constant will be the tremendous emotional upheaval.

Denial that nothing will change — that parents will ably continue on forever — can lead to countless problems, stresses and ultimately to caregiver illness or depression. The key to success is communication; start the conversation and try to keep it going no matter how difficult or painful. It's worth it in the long run.

How do I know if my parent(s) needs help?

On the outside things may appear normal. However some changes may be hard to see. A basic rule of thumb applies; if you are worried about a parent, they may need help. What kind of help may be determined by using the following capability lists.

Specialists in gerontology evaluate seniors' abilities using 2 lists; the first is Activities of Daily Living or ADLs. If your parent has problems with any of the following, the need for outside help or other intervention is obvious and critical:

• Continence
• Feeding
• Getting in and out of bed
• Toileting
• Bathing
• Dressing

The second list is Instrumental or Intermediate Activities of Daily Living or IADLs. It is more difficult to know if an individual has problems with any of these unless you live with them. This is where your observation on visits can be critical.

• Using the telephone
• Shopping
• Preparing meals
• Housekeeping
• Doing laundry
• Using transportation
• Managing medications
• Managing finances

Even though help may be needed in one or more of the above, a senior can still remain independent.

Things to Remember

• Your parents want to maintain their independence
• They want — and need — to maintain their dignity and respect
• Don't try to impose your way of life or values on them
• Research your options — home care, home modification, day programs
• Become familiar with new devices or technologies that may help a parent

Things to Look for When You Visit

• Your relative is consistently dressed improperly
• A lack of attention to personal hygiene
• Overdue bills, unopened mail when you visit
• Laundry piling up
• Cigarette burns on the furniture
• Unexplained weight loss
• Bruises or other signs of trauma (from falls)
• Blackened pots (stove problems) or too empty. Too full refrigerator (improper eating habits)
• Unusual behavior i.e. not telling you things, becoming anti-social or reclusive

The list above does not go into cognitive symptoms which may indicate a more serious problem. If you see things like a parent getting lost while out driving or walking, severe personality changes, lost sense of time or consistent confusion see medical attention immediately.

According to Mary Pipher, author of Another Country: Navigating the Emotional Terrain of Our Elders, "we need to make the old understand that they can be helped without being infantilized, that the help comes from respect and gratitude rather than from pity or a sense of obligation."

Talk to your parent as you would want to be talked to. Ask specific questions such as what did you do today? how are you feeling? to try and determine how the person is doing. If he is upset, ask quietly what is wrong. Listen patiently. Silence can speak louder than words.