The Family Meeting

Another way to start the conversation is to call a family meeting. This way everyone — parents and adult children — will understand the problems; all will have a chance to participate in the solutions. If a sibling is out of town, try to set up a teleconference. The only reason a parent should be excluded is if he is too mentally impaired to understand or contribute and would impair any progress.

How to organize a family meeting

• Invite all family members affected by eldercare planning; also consider the family physician or other professional if appropriate
• Create an agenda and follow normal rules of order
• Write everything down and manage the information so nothing gets lost and no-one falls through the inevitable cracks in the system
• List all the concerns and prioritize according to urgency
• If a plan of action cannot be determined due to lack of concrete information, consider an assessment
• When consensus is achieved (if possible), assign specific tasks to family members i.e. the "accountant child" will do the tax returns, another will be responsible for transportation to medical appointments etc.
• Make a list of all informal supports available e.g. friends, neighbours, church.
• Likewise locate the formal supports in your area e.g. day programs, Meals-on-Wheels, home care, respite care, friendly visiting

What if a parent does not want to talk or thinks everything is all right? Try to understand the reasons. Consider bringing in an outsider or facilitator — a trusted family friend, family physician or social worker to mediate the situation. You may have to leave the room. Proceed slowly; let your parent think "it was their idea". If siblings cannot agree, hold a separate meeting and hash out the solutions. If necessary, consider a mediator for this meeting as well.

Sometimes an adult child may hit a wall; a parent refuses all help even though he is at risk but cannot be moved because he is still deemed competent. In such a situation the caregiver can only stand by and wait until something happens — a fall, a fire — which necessitates medical or other intervention. This is called "dignity of risk" and a situation no one wants to face. If you find yourself in this position, try to be as well-prepared as possible. Even if your parent refuses to recognize that there is a problem and they need care, talk to health care professionals, community support workers, legal experts, etc., to garner useful information.

Steps to Take

• Expect and accept that your parents will grow old. Aging is not a disease; it is part of the life cycle
• Start talking to your parents now about what they want as they age. If they want to stay in their own home, should they be looking at home modifications to make it easier to go up/down stairs or to use the bathroom if a wheelchair is required?
• Understand the critical role of legal and financial planning. Start to gather information about your parents' financial security; learn where original documents are stored. Ensure your parents have prepared necessary documents such as wills, advance directives and powers of attorney. Be prepared for some emotional encounters but don't give up.
• Talk to your siblings about how you plan to divide responsibility for your parents' well-being.
• If a parent suffers from a particular disease — heart or stroke, arthritis, diabetes, dementia — learn all you can now about the disease and what a caregiver can expect as the disease progresses.
• Ask questions about the health care system in your parents' province; understand what alternate accommodations exist, how home care operates, what social services are available.
• Talk to your peers about how they are facing the challenges of eldercare, the problems they have encountered and solutions they have found.
• Finally, take an objective look at yourself. Are you prepared to be a caregiver for a parent? How will you accomplish this, along side your other roles as a business professional, parent, spouse?

Some don'ts

• Don't make promises you may not be able to keep i.e. "you can always live with us" or "I'll never put you in a home"
• Don't concentrate on what your parents can't do; focus on maximizing what they can do

Some do's

• Become educated and aware
• Understand and accept your feelings
• Talk with others in your situation
• Involve and empower your parents